Well, my cancerversary has passed and we are approaching one year since my first chemo treatment. Not as significant a date to remember, even though I'll never forget it. However, in the time between my cancerversary and my chemoversary, significant changes are taking place. First, I got a job. Funny how things happen. I sent out one resume to test the waters, got a call for a phone interview, then in-person interview, then second interview, then an offer. One resume. My doc tells me I'm breaking all the rules. Bucking the system. Screw statistics! Let's hope that trend lasts.
So I start my job on July 22nd. I'm extraordinarily nervous, as you can imagine. I know my brain doesn't work as well as it used to, although it's getting there. My body certainly isn't the same and I haven't worked a full day since last July. But more than that, I'm nervous because my benefits will change. I will lose my disability, lose my life insurance, lose my countdown to medicare (although I don't care much about that, but probably should). My benefits will start 60 days after the first day of the month after I start (meaning 2 months after August 1, or October 1). My next CT was scheduled for September 6. Know what I did? I rescheduled. I had another scan yesterday and whaddayaknow??? No measurable disease!! Woohoo! So my next scan is now scheduled for October 4th. Phew! Yes, I will feel bad if that scan comes back showing disease, causing me to go back into treatment, but I don't plan on that happening. Besides, I know how I do on treatment now, and if they'll work with me, I'll continue working while on treatment for as long as I can. And no, my new company doesn't know I have cancer. Nor will they unless absolutely necessary.
Finally, we're moving. The moving van comes on Thursday to take everything over, although we get the place on Monday, so we'll start moving small boxes and breakables then. I'm very excited to be moving, actually. Katherine will be able to stay in Malvern School for after school care, and Sean and I will be closer to work. I'll be 15 minutes away! Well, at least until my company moves in December to its new building. Then I'll be 20 minutes away. :)
This has been a very stressful month for me and I've held up fairly well, I think. I'm still plant heavy in my diet, although I've had more meat this past week than I'd like to. I've decided to go completely vegan in August and see how I do. Gluten free and vegan is not easy, let me tell you! But I'm committed. With every good scan, I become more and more determined not to let this beast back into my life. So with that...
I'm closing down this blog for now and starting a new one focusing on health and happiness. You can keep up with my doings here if you'd like. I hope to see you all over there!
And thank you all, for everything.
xo,
Lisa
Friday, July 12, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
One Year Cancerversary
Next week marks the one year date from the call that changed my life. My cancerversary. Little did I know that day would reveal the actual diagnosis. Cancer of an Unknown Primary. I didn't know anything about it before I was diagnosed. I had never heard of it. I know a lot about it now, but still have so many questions. Questions that cannot be answered at this point in time. As my doc said last year, we don't want to know what kind of cancer it is because that means it has spread. Last year I knew my chances were slim, but I also knew that if I could get through certain milestones, my chances would improve. Responding to treatment was one - that means it's probably not pancreatic cancer. Consistently improving with treatment - probably not lung cancer. Remission - confirms what I've known about myself all along. I'm a fighter. I have faith in that.
I could not have gotten through the past year without the unbelievable support of my family and my friends. With them, my spirits have been lifted, my mind has been occupied, my cares have been wiped away. They have assisted me when I've needed it; distracted me when it all became so overwhelming; hugged me when I cried; drank with me when I needed to forget. I am surrounded by so much love and strength, and for that I will forever be grateful.
I don't know how I will handle next week, but I do know that next weekend is a jam-packed weekend for the Delaney family. It is a weekend that includes four fabulous friends that I can never, ever repay for the strength, love, laughter, and support they have given me this past year. Four fabulous friends, one amazing family, and the innocence of children at two birthday parties for three 5 year olds.
There is no better way to spend your one year cancerversary.
xo,
Lisa
I could not have gotten through the past year without the unbelievable support of my family and my friends. With them, my spirits have been lifted, my mind has been occupied, my cares have been wiped away. They have assisted me when I've needed it; distracted me when it all became so overwhelming; hugged me when I cried; drank with me when I needed to forget. I am surrounded by so much love and strength, and for that I will forever be grateful.
I don't know how I will handle next week, but I do know that next weekend is a jam-packed weekend for the Delaney family. It is a weekend that includes four fabulous friends that I can never, ever repay for the strength, love, laughter, and support they have given me this past year. Four fabulous friends, one amazing family, and the innocence of children at two birthday parties for three 5 year olds.
There is no better way to spend your one year cancerversary.
xo,
Lisa
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life moves on
So after my second "clear" scan (I say "clear" because we all know metastatic cancer doesn't really ever go away) just before Memorial Day, I went away for the holiday weekend and have been crazy getting the house ready for rent. We've rented the house to a nice couple who will be moving in at the end of July, so we now need to find a place of our own. We've got some prospects. We'll be moving closer to where Katherine is in day care now so that when she enters kindergarten in the Fall, she'll have somewhere familiar to go for after school care. Some may question this move, but it also allows Sean to be closer to his home office (although now he's in Philly a few days a week, so the best laid plans and all). Plus, no 4 year old girl should have to have every aspect of her life constantly shuffled around. I'll be looking for a job soon, she's starting kindergarten, I didn't want her to start two new schools at once. And we're looking for a house with a finished basement, so she'll have her own place for her toys to play, not scattered all over the house like they are now.
So as I said, I'll probably have to start looking for a job soon. Seriously looking. Disability has been checking up on me regularly, and after two "clear" scans, I highly doubt they'll let me stay on any longer. If I still had my job, I would've gone back to that in March. But looking for a new job means I'll be put on unemployment, which is another paycut. In addition, I will lose my existing disability benefits once I find a new job. Since most companies have a waiting period for when benefits kick in, and I'd have to be on short term disability and FMLA first (which requires you to have worked with the company for a year), well, you can do the math. Needless to say I'm just a smidge nervous. I have all the high hopes in the world that I'll keep this lucky streak going, but I also have to be realistic, so I have to pick my new job wisely. I'd prefer to be able to work from home so I can see Katherine off in the mornings and get her off the bus in the afternoons. Plus, it still boggles my mind that anyone with stage 4 cancer can be kicked off of disability, regardless of current state.
I've started to change my diet to be higher in plant-based foods, taking advantage of nature's pharmacy. I've been making fresh juices in the mornings and the occasional smoothie. I've been preparing more veggie-based meals and cutting back on meat to 2-3 times a week. Not 2-3 days a week. 2-3 times. You may not think you eat a lot of meat, but most carnivores eat meat twice a day. That's 14 times a week. It may be hidden in sauces or casseroles or the lunchmeat in your sandwich, but it's there. Meat has been proven to increase inflammation in your body, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. It's the reason I've cut out most dairy as well. Now, I'm not an animal rights person. I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but that's not why I'm doing this. My dietary change is purely health based. So I'll have meat now and then and I'll have dairy now and then. But I'm trying to limit it as much as possible. I've just started my culinary adventure, so I decided I'm going to take you all along for the ride. I'm going to try to post every week or two with how things are going and maybe share a new recipe or exercise I've done. I'll keep you all up to date on how I feel and what's going on as much as possible. If you're interested, great! Maybe you can share some recipes or tips you have. I'd love to hear them!
While I'm eating more plant-based foods, I have not cut out eggs or fish at all. I eat an egg about 3 times a week and fish - well I think I really need to up my intake on that. Lately my breakfast has been a fried egg on toast smothered with avocado. I didn't know if I'd like it when I tried it, but I love the creaminess of the avocado combined with the gooey egg yolk. And since I eat gluten free, toast tends to get really dry and the avocado saves it. This morning I skipped the egg and just had avocado on toast. Yum. Avocado is a super food. Nature's little vacuum cleaner, they attract carcinogens and flush them out of the body. They are also loaded with good monounsaturated fats and Vitamin E. I've heard if you eat a burger with avocado, the avocado will attract some of the bad fats in the burger and flush them through, causing less of it to get into your system.
As for the exercise, you may have heard I'm participating in the Livestrong Challenge in August. Right now I'm doing the Couch to 5K plan to get myself ready for that. Yesterday I ran along the Perkiomen Trail and really enjoyed it. I'm still mostly walking, but I'm slowly moving toward mostly running. I have no treadmill, so the heat last week kept me inside. With the lymphedema, I have to take exercise slow so as not to increase swelling rather than reduce it. On Friday I'm starting yoga at a local studio with a gift card Sean got me for Christmas.
So while I don't know that I'll ever completely be a vegan-granola-crunchy-type person, I am determined to do everything in my power to allow my body to get and remain healthy. I certainly hope we can share experiences along the way!
xo,
Lisa
Livestrong helps people navigate through life with cancer every day. Donate to (or join!) my Livestrong Challenge team, the Rainbow Warriors, here!
So as I said, I'll probably have to start looking for a job soon. Seriously looking. Disability has been checking up on me regularly, and after two "clear" scans, I highly doubt they'll let me stay on any longer. If I still had my job, I would've gone back to that in March. But looking for a new job means I'll be put on unemployment, which is another paycut. In addition, I will lose my existing disability benefits once I find a new job. Since most companies have a waiting period for when benefits kick in, and I'd have to be on short term disability and FMLA first (which requires you to have worked with the company for a year), well, you can do the math. Needless to say I'm just a smidge nervous. I have all the high hopes in the world that I'll keep this lucky streak going, but I also have to be realistic, so I have to pick my new job wisely. I'd prefer to be able to work from home so I can see Katherine off in the mornings and get her off the bus in the afternoons. Plus, it still boggles my mind that anyone with stage 4 cancer can be kicked off of disability, regardless of current state.
I've started to change my diet to be higher in plant-based foods, taking advantage of nature's pharmacy. I've been making fresh juices in the mornings and the occasional smoothie. I've been preparing more veggie-based meals and cutting back on meat to 2-3 times a week. Not 2-3 days a week. 2-3 times. You may not think you eat a lot of meat, but most carnivores eat meat twice a day. That's 14 times a week. It may be hidden in sauces or casseroles or the lunchmeat in your sandwich, but it's there. Meat has been proven to increase inflammation in your body, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. It's the reason I've cut out most dairy as well. Now, I'm not an animal rights person. I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but that's not why I'm doing this. My dietary change is purely health based. So I'll have meat now and then and I'll have dairy now and then. But I'm trying to limit it as much as possible. I've just started my culinary adventure, so I decided I'm going to take you all along for the ride. I'm going to try to post every week or two with how things are going and maybe share a new recipe or exercise I've done. I'll keep you all up to date on how I feel and what's going on as much as possible. If you're interested, great! Maybe you can share some recipes or tips you have. I'd love to hear them!
While I'm eating more plant-based foods, I have not cut out eggs or fish at all. I eat an egg about 3 times a week and fish - well I think I really need to up my intake on that. Lately my breakfast has been a fried egg on toast smothered with avocado. I didn't know if I'd like it when I tried it, but I love the creaminess of the avocado combined with the gooey egg yolk. And since I eat gluten free, toast tends to get really dry and the avocado saves it. This morning I skipped the egg and just had avocado on toast. Yum. Avocado is a super food. Nature's little vacuum cleaner, they attract carcinogens and flush them out of the body. They are also loaded with good monounsaturated fats and Vitamin E. I've heard if you eat a burger with avocado, the avocado will attract some of the bad fats in the burger and flush them through, causing less of it to get into your system.
As for the exercise, you may have heard I'm participating in the Livestrong Challenge in August. Right now I'm doing the Couch to 5K plan to get myself ready for that. Yesterday I ran along the Perkiomen Trail and really enjoyed it. I'm still mostly walking, but I'm slowly moving toward mostly running. I have no treadmill, so the heat last week kept me inside. With the lymphedema, I have to take exercise slow so as not to increase swelling rather than reduce it. On Friday I'm starting yoga at a local studio with a gift card Sean got me for Christmas.
So while I don't know that I'll ever completely be a vegan-granola-crunchy-type person, I am determined to do everything in my power to allow my body to get and remain healthy. I certainly hope we can share experiences along the way!
xo,
Lisa
Livestrong helps people navigate through life with cancer every day. Donate to (or join!) my Livestrong Challenge team, the Rainbow Warriors, here!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A Post-chemo life
I know it has been a while since I've posted and I apologize to those who follow my blog but are not on FB. My CT on March 8 found "no measurable disease." This is amazing news and news I did not expect after 9 treatments! I am finally on my break from treatment, which is both wonderful and terrifying. Wonderful because I am starting to feel "normal" again. Terrifying because, well, with metastatic cancer, you can probably guess why. I have my next scan on June 7. That will be a big day.
As a reward, we went to Disney World in March for 5 days. This trip was supposed to be a bridge between chemo and work but, well, I have no job to go back to anymore. But it was a much needed vacation nonetheless for all of us. I have others to thank for that trip (you know who you are) and am very grateful to have had such amazing support in so many ways.
I'm probably going to be even less active over these next few months, but I have active Facebook and somewhat active Twitter accounts, so you can always catch up there. If there is anything new I promise to update.
Happy spring!!
xo,
Lisa
As a reward, we went to Disney World in March for 5 days. This trip was supposed to be a bridge between chemo and work but, well, I have no job to go back to anymore. But it was a much needed vacation nonetheless for all of us. I have others to thank for that trip (you know who you are) and am very grateful to have had such amazing support in so many ways.
I'm probably going to be even less active over these next few months, but I have active Facebook and somewhat active Twitter accounts, so you can always catch up there. If there is anything new I promise to update.
Happy spring!!
xo,
Lisa
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The long wait
I am in week two of my second treatment cycle of this round. The inside of my mouth has taken on the texture of one that has been burnt severely by a ham and cheese Hot Pocket (sing it - you know you want to). The Neulasta shot did extra damage this time around, with major bone pain like I haven't had before, as well as the usual back spasms, but I take that as a sign that massive amounts of white blood cells are being produced to get me through the remainder of winter. My stomach was not the best it has been (or the worst), but that's getting better. Fatigue usually rears it's ugly head at this point. Physical fatigue. That will pass as well. The second treatment of the round is always the worst, both emotionally and physically, and this 8th treatment cycle is proving no different. I'm finding it hard to do much of anything. Even typing this post, I'm taking frequent breaks to collect myself and my thoughts.
My hair fell out. Again. It seems to have stopped, but all of that dark hair once coming in is now gone, replaced by coarse, pointy, white hair. Eh, it's hair. I'll take it. I don't count on having any for vacation in March, though, which is disappointing. I really, really hate wearing wigs, and it doesn't matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are bald, or with a hat, or with a scarf - I won't do it. I'll go to the grocery store with just a hat, but I'm not walking around Disney World with one if I have no hair under there. I will feel self-conscious and it will dampen the joy. I'm hoping to have enough hair on the sides and back to wear a military style ball cap during the day and just wear the wig at night. I don't like eating in hats, though, and it bothers me that I'll have a hat on for at least 2 table service meals. I know, it's trivial in it all, but at this stage, I'm making a big deal out of the trivial.
On a positive note, my lymphedema therapy is going well. I was measured today for a custom compression stocking and I'm glad for that. My therapist thinks my "resilience" (that's therapist talk for "It won't freaking go down any more!!!") is due to the continued chemo. Turns out one of the drugs I'm on causes lymphedema. The things you learn. Anyway, she's hoping once I'm done treatment, my body will start to heal and the leg will go down on it's own. I'm hoping with her. In the meantime, I need a stocking and not 6 bulky compression bandages (like Ace bandages) to wear for my trip. I can't fit in pants other than sweats, and I will not be walking around Disney World in sweats. Do you hear me lymphedema??? I will win this war on you!!!
Ok, I'm calm now. It's breakfast night at the Delaney residence and the hubs and the tot will be home soon, so I'll wrap this up. One more treatment starting February 18 and then a CT on March 8 and we'll go from there. Until then, please forgive me if I'm not as communicative as normal. I'm tired. Spring will renew. I'm sure of it.
My hair fell out. Again. It seems to have stopped, but all of that dark hair once coming in is now gone, replaced by coarse, pointy, white hair. Eh, it's hair. I'll take it. I don't count on having any for vacation in March, though, which is disappointing. I really, really hate wearing wigs, and it doesn't matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are bald, or with a hat, or with a scarf - I won't do it. I'll go to the grocery store with just a hat, but I'm not walking around Disney World with one if I have no hair under there. I will feel self-conscious and it will dampen the joy. I'm hoping to have enough hair on the sides and back to wear a military style ball cap during the day and just wear the wig at night. I don't like eating in hats, though, and it bothers me that I'll have a hat on for at least 2 table service meals. I know, it's trivial in it all, but at this stage, I'm making a big deal out of the trivial.
On a positive note, my lymphedema therapy is going well. I was measured today for a custom compression stocking and I'm glad for that. My therapist thinks my "resilience" (that's therapist talk for "It won't freaking go down any more!!!") is due to the continued chemo. Turns out one of the drugs I'm on causes lymphedema. The things you learn. Anyway, she's hoping once I'm done treatment, my body will start to heal and the leg will go down on it's own. I'm hoping with her. In the meantime, I need a stocking and not 6 bulky compression bandages (like Ace bandages) to wear for my trip. I can't fit in pants other than sweats, and I will not be walking around Disney World in sweats. Do you hear me lymphedema??? I will win this war on you!!!
Ok, I'm calm now. It's breakfast night at the Delaney residence and the hubs and the tot will be home soon, so I'll wrap this up. One more treatment starting February 18 and then a CT on March 8 and we'll go from there. Until then, please forgive me if I'm not as communicative as normal. I'm tired. Spring will renew. I'm sure of it.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Exhaustion comes by surprise
Some of you may have heard of my recent job termination. Yeah. I received an overnight letter in the mail last Tuesday - woke up to the FedEx guy ringing my doorbell to deliver it - which explained to me that while my employer has complied legally with all aspects of disability, and while I had just the week prior given a return date of March 20th, my position could not be held for 2 months longer and I was being let go. I would get information in the mail pertaining to Cobra benefits. The next day an empty box came with instructions to return my computer equipment. Funny, though, everything except my laptop was still at my desk in the office. So I boxed up my laptop and sent it off with a note saying so. Never got a chance to get anything off of my hard drive that was personal or samples of my work I could use to find new employment. The hard drive shut itself down the day I was termed and that was that. I called the Employee Relations Director and was assured my disability would continue "until you retire," and that I would be eligible for unemployment (which I'm not, of course, until I am able to return to work, at which point I lose disability). When I mentioned the letter came as a bit of a shock, the response was, "yeah." That was it. Ok then, thanks. You get the up of being told the cancer is in remission and after 3 more treatments we're taking a break, and in the next breath you have no job to go back to.
It's for the best, really. I fully expected to be let go from this job. It's been the trend since the merger last year. The people in my department from my side of the merger are slowly but surely disappearing. I just thought it would happen AFTER I got back. Silly for not realizing sooner it would be easier to get rid of me while I was on disability. For those who think disability protects your job, it does not. Short term disability does. FMLA does. Long term disability ensures you will get a percentage of your pay check for as long as you are disable, and once you are on LTD for 5 months, Social Security picks up most of that tab as well.
Bitter? No. A bit jaded, maybe. I am forever thinking people will ultimately do what is right. That my company really was holding my job for me and cheering on my recovery. Yet again I am reminded that nothing is certain, that there are bad people and bad jobs and bad companies, that the bottom line dictates everything, and to treat those you love with respect and kindness, because at the end of the day, they are the only people who matter.
And so exhaustion sets in. It takes me by surprise on occasion, the mental exhaustion of fighting this battle. People remind me that fighting the cancer is the most important thing. Not to worry about my (former) job or the money or any other issues in the world. What I need to focus on is getting better. Then I can worry about everything else. It's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Now my focus is on what I do next. I had planned on going back to work in March, but without a job to go back to, I am at a loss for what to do. Do I start looking for another job at that point before I even know how I will react while taking a break from treatment? Do I stay on disability through the first three months of the break and see how I do and THEN start looking for a job? If I go back to work right away and the cancer comes back, I'll have to start treatment again. The same treatment. Which means I cannot work. Most jobs require you to be there for a year before being eligible for LTD. If I go back to work without really knowing if I'm truly in remission, I could be setting myself up for a financial nightmare. Not to mention potentially screwing my future employer in the process. I am leaning toward staying on LTD for the length of the break from the last treatment to the first scan on break, which will probably be about May or June. If I'm still good, still in remission, then I start job hunting, lose my disability, go on unemployment (yay, another pay cut!!), and try to re-enter the real world. Ultimately, it will depend on my doctor and what she thinks is best. Right now I'm speculating. Things could change in March at my next CT. But when you are alone with your thoughts....
Top all that off with the fact that I have a huge leg due to lymphedema, and it gets all that more exhausting. Every morning I take a shower and then spend 20 minutes bandaging my entire right leg from toe to hip in compression bandages. Every night at about 2AM (I know that's contradictory - shut up), I rip the bandages off because I cannot stand them any more and cannot get any sleep. Three times a week I go to therapy for manual lymph drainage massage, rebandaging and some bike time. I wear sweat pants every day because nothing else fits. I've stretched out almost every right sock of every pair of white socks I own trying to fit them over the bandages. My right sneaker looks twice the width of my left when I put them on. My therapist today, after calming my minor breakdown (I told you - exhaustion takes you by surprise), let me know that the chemo is slowing down the healing of my lymphatic system, that my case of lymphedema isn't that bad, that it will get better - it may even heal completely - but that I need to give it time. It could take a year or two or more, but I will get there. I told her I'd just like to be able to wear a normal pair of pants. Just get me into a compression stocking and I'll be happy for now. I'd like to be able to walk around in public without someone being able to look at me and know something is wrong. Not that I'm sick, mind you, but that something is wrong. Can't get away from that with your leg wrapped three inches deep in bandages. Ok, maybe not three inches. Maybe two.
And I watched the Globes last night, and then didn't sleep well on top of it, so I'm physically exhausted as well. (Damn you Jennifer Garner for stealing my should-have-been husband and then being a seemingly nice person and good mom so I can't even hate you for it!)
I need to go take a nap. Or just lay on the couch and watch the Chew. Don't judge.
xo,
Lisa
It's for the best, really. I fully expected to be let go from this job. It's been the trend since the merger last year. The people in my department from my side of the merger are slowly but surely disappearing. I just thought it would happen AFTER I got back. Silly for not realizing sooner it would be easier to get rid of me while I was on disability. For those who think disability protects your job, it does not. Short term disability does. FMLA does. Long term disability ensures you will get a percentage of your pay check for as long as you are disable, and once you are on LTD for 5 months, Social Security picks up most of that tab as well.
Bitter? No. A bit jaded, maybe. I am forever thinking people will ultimately do what is right. That my company really was holding my job for me and cheering on my recovery. Yet again I am reminded that nothing is certain, that there are bad people and bad jobs and bad companies, that the bottom line dictates everything, and to treat those you love with respect and kindness, because at the end of the day, they are the only people who matter.
And so exhaustion sets in. It takes me by surprise on occasion, the mental exhaustion of fighting this battle. People remind me that fighting the cancer is the most important thing. Not to worry about my (former) job or the money or any other issues in the world. What I need to focus on is getting better. Then I can worry about everything else. It's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Now my focus is on what I do next. I had planned on going back to work in March, but without a job to go back to, I am at a loss for what to do. Do I start looking for another job at that point before I even know how I will react while taking a break from treatment? Do I stay on disability through the first three months of the break and see how I do and THEN start looking for a job? If I go back to work right away and the cancer comes back, I'll have to start treatment again. The same treatment. Which means I cannot work. Most jobs require you to be there for a year before being eligible for LTD. If I go back to work without really knowing if I'm truly in remission, I could be setting myself up for a financial nightmare. Not to mention potentially screwing my future employer in the process. I am leaning toward staying on LTD for the length of the break from the last treatment to the first scan on break, which will probably be about May or June. If I'm still good, still in remission, then I start job hunting, lose my disability, go on unemployment (yay, another pay cut!!), and try to re-enter the real world. Ultimately, it will depend on my doctor and what she thinks is best. Right now I'm speculating. Things could change in March at my next CT. But when you are alone with your thoughts....
Top all that off with the fact that I have a huge leg due to lymphedema, and it gets all that more exhausting. Every morning I take a shower and then spend 20 minutes bandaging my entire right leg from toe to hip in compression bandages. Every night at about 2AM (I know that's contradictory - shut up), I rip the bandages off because I cannot stand them any more and cannot get any sleep. Three times a week I go to therapy for manual lymph drainage massage, rebandaging and some bike time. I wear sweat pants every day because nothing else fits. I've stretched out almost every right sock of every pair of white socks I own trying to fit them over the bandages. My right sneaker looks twice the width of my left when I put them on. My therapist today, after calming my minor breakdown (I told you - exhaustion takes you by surprise), let me know that the chemo is slowing down the healing of my lymphatic system, that my case of lymphedema isn't that bad, that it will get better - it may even heal completely - but that I need to give it time. It could take a year or two or more, but I will get there. I told her I'd just like to be able to wear a normal pair of pants. Just get me into a compression stocking and I'll be happy for now. I'd like to be able to walk around in public without someone being able to look at me and know something is wrong. Not that I'm sick, mind you, but that something is wrong. Can't get away from that with your leg wrapped three inches deep in bandages. Ok, maybe not three inches. Maybe two.
And I watched the Globes last night, and then didn't sleep well on top of it, so I'm physically exhausted as well. (Damn you Jennifer Garner for stealing my should-have-been husband and then being a seemingly nice person and good mom so I can't even hate you for it!)
I need to go take a nap. Or just lay on the couch and watch the Chew. Don't judge.
xo,
Lisa
Friday, January 4, 2013
Last Round - Treatment #1
Oy, that feels so good to type! Last round. It will most certainly make these three treatments more tolerable! My last official treatment before starting a break will be February 18. One month before I turn 43. So to celebrate, in a BIG way, WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
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