Some of you may have heard of my recent job termination. Yeah. I received an overnight letter in the mail last Tuesday - woke up to the FedEx guy ringing my doorbell to deliver it - which explained to me that while my employer has complied legally with all aspects of disability, and while I had just the week prior given a return date of March 20th, my position could not be held for 2 months longer and I was being let go. I would get information in the mail pertaining to Cobra benefits. The next day an empty box came with instructions to return my computer equipment. Funny, though, everything except my laptop was still at my desk in the office. So I boxed up my laptop and sent it off with a note saying so. Never got a chance to get anything off of my hard drive that was personal or samples of my work I could use to find new employment. The hard drive shut itself down the day I was termed and that was that. I called the Employee Relations Director and was assured my disability would continue "until you retire," and that I would be eligible for unemployment (which I'm not, of course, until I am able to return to work, at which point I lose disability). When I mentioned the letter came as a bit of a shock, the response was, "yeah." That was it. Ok then, thanks. You get the up of being told the cancer is in remission and after 3 more treatments we're taking a break, and in the next breath you have no job to go back to.
It's for the best, really. I fully expected to be let go from this job. It's been the trend since the merger last year. The people in my department from my side of the merger are slowly but surely disappearing. I just thought it would happen AFTER I got back. Silly for not realizing sooner it would be easier to get rid of me while I was on disability. For those who think disability protects your job, it does not. Short term disability does. FMLA does. Long term disability ensures you will get a percentage of your pay check for as long as you are disable, and once you are on LTD for 5 months, Social Security picks up most of that tab as well.
Bitter? No. A bit jaded, maybe. I am forever thinking people will ultimately do what is right. That my company really was holding my job for me and cheering on my recovery. Yet again I am reminded that nothing is certain, that there are bad people and bad jobs and bad companies, that the bottom line dictates everything, and to treat those you love with respect and kindness, because at the end of the day, they are the only people who matter.
And so exhaustion sets in. It takes me by surprise on occasion, the mental exhaustion of fighting this battle. People remind me that fighting the cancer is the most important thing. Not to worry about my (former) job or the money or any other issues in the world. What I need to focus on is getting better. Then I can worry about everything else. It's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Now my focus is on what I do next. I had planned on going back to work in March, but without a job to go back to, I am at a loss for what to do. Do I start looking for another job at that point before I even know how I will react while taking a break from treatment? Do I stay on disability through the first three months of the break and see how I do and THEN start looking for a job? If I go back to work right away and the cancer comes back, I'll have to start treatment again. The same treatment. Which means I cannot work. Most jobs require you to be there for a year before being eligible for LTD. If I go back to work without really knowing if I'm truly in remission, I could be setting myself up for a financial nightmare. Not to mention potentially screwing my future employer in the process. I am leaning toward staying on LTD for the length of the break from the last treatment to the first scan on break, which will probably be about May or June. If I'm still good, still in remission, then I start job hunting, lose my disability, go on unemployment (yay, another pay cut!!), and try to re-enter the real world. Ultimately, it will depend on my doctor and what she thinks is best. Right now I'm speculating. Things could change in March at my next CT. But when you are alone with your thoughts....
Top all that off with the fact that I have a huge leg due to lymphedema, and it gets all that more exhausting. Every morning I take a shower and then spend 20 minutes bandaging my entire right leg from toe to hip in compression bandages. Every night at about 2AM (I know that's contradictory - shut up), I rip the bandages off because I cannot stand them any more and cannot get any sleep. Three times a week I go to therapy for manual lymph drainage massage, rebandaging and some bike time. I wear sweat pants every day because nothing else fits. I've stretched out almost every right sock of every pair of white socks I own trying to fit them over the bandages. My right sneaker looks twice the width of my left when I put them on. My therapist today, after calming my minor breakdown (I told you - exhaustion takes you by surprise), let me know that the chemo is slowing down the healing of my lymphatic system, that my case of lymphedema isn't that bad, that it will get better - it may even heal completely - but that I need to give it time. It could take a year or two or more, but I will get there. I told her I'd just like to be able to wear a normal pair of pants. Just get me into a compression stocking and I'll be happy for now. I'd like to be able to walk around in public without someone being able to look at me and know something is wrong. Not that I'm sick, mind you, but that something is wrong. Can't get away from that with your leg wrapped three inches deep in bandages. Ok, maybe not three inches. Maybe two.
And I watched the Globes last night, and then didn't sleep well on top of it, so I'm physically exhausted as well. (Damn you Jennifer Garner for stealing my should-have-been husband and then being a seemingly nice person and good mom so I can't even hate you for it!)
I need to go take a nap. Or just lay on the couch and watch the Chew. Don't judge.
xo,
Lisa
Monday, January 14, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
Last Round - Treatment #1
Oy, that feels so good to type! Last round. It will most certainly make these three treatments more tolerable! My last official treatment before starting a break will be February 18. One month before I turn 43. So to celebrate, in a BIG way, WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
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