...four more to go! Well, four plus a lifetime.
Today is disconnect day (yee haw!) and I'm feeling it. Nauseated, that is. I'm on less anti-nausea drugs this go-around because the side effects are less on this treatment, but I think I need to bump it up a smidge. It's not as bad as last time, but I think I can do better on some more drugs. That's all I need, right? More drugs.
So a couple of things to update you on since last time. My doc let me know that, if all goes well, I'll do 6 rounds of treatment with the carboplatin, 5-FU, and Herceptin, then I'll just be on the Herceptin every three weeks forever. Or until the cancer mutates, at which point we can try other HER2+ treatments. Because my diagnosis is Unknown Primary (can't definitively diagnose something without a clear pathology report), I'm eligible for drugs not approved for stomach cancer. Like drugs for HER2+ breast cancer, of which there are 4. I mean, there is still a chance this is breast cancer. We just don't know. Maybe I should drape myself in pink and periwinkle. Anyway, my doc said she's had patients on Herceptin only treatment for years. YEARS!!! Do you know how often the word YEARS is used in the stage 4 cancer world? I'll tell you. Not very often! She almost made me cry. Dr. Dotan has only ever made me cry happy tears. For some reason I don't cry sad tears around her, just happy tears.
The second thing to let you know is on Saturday I woke up and the enlarged lymph nodes in my left groin were completely down. Poof! Gone. I couldn't believe it! So this tells me two things: 1 - the treatment is most definitely working, and 2 - the majority of the enlarged nodes are from lymphedema and not cancer. Both good things! The lymphedema has so far resolved itself in my left leg, although I will still be mindful of it for a while so it doesn't come back.
Ok, so I'm going to go vomit, I think. If only. It's that awful feeling of wanting to throw up but not being able to. I don't think it would get rid of the nausea, so it's probably for the best anyway.
And on that note - Happy holidays to all! See you in the New Year!
xo,
Lisa
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
New Info, New Drugs
Today was supposed to be my first full infusion of my second go-round with chemo, but things have changed a bit since I last saw my doc and so I only had part of my infusion today. What changed? Well I'll tell you. Hold your socks.
After my last biopsy, the pathologists decided to test the tumor for HER2 protein. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, I'll Wikirelay it for you:
HER2 "is a protein that in humans is encoded by the ERBB2 gene. HER2 is a member of the epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR/ErbB) family. Amplification or over-expression of this gene has been shown to play an important role in the development and progression of certain aggressive types of breast cancer. ... Over-expression is also known to occur in ovarian, stomach, and aggressive forms of uterine cancer, such as uterine serous endometrial carcinoma."
Confused? Uh, yeah. So this is all you really need to know. HER2 is positive in only about 20-30% of stomach cancers, which is what I've been treated for. Since I've now shown up HER-2 positive, we've pretty much deduced I have stomach (also known as gastric) cancer. So there's that. Also, HER-2 positive cancers react very well to a type of treatment called Herceptin. See, HER2 is in normal cells in which their receptors tell cells to grow and divide. Too many HER2 receptors, as is the case in these cancers, send more signals, causing cancer cells to grow too quickly. Herceptin has been shown to stop the HER2 receptors from signaling the cells to grow. Basically it's a blocker. It increases the median overall survivor rate of advanced gastric cancer by 23%. In the cancer world, that's pretty big.
So the good thing about Herceptin is that it has very few serious side effects. Mostly tummy troubles and fatigue. But you know what it doesn't cause? HAIR LOSS! I get to keep my hair! Unless the carboplatin decides to cause the fall out, which it typically doesn't do, but I'm not about to jinx myself. So that $700 human hair wig I bought last month? It'll stay in my closet for now. There may come a point where I'll need it, but hopefully not. And I don't mind it being there at all.
The BAD thing about Herceptin is that it can cause, how shall I say... heart failure. Sometimes there are signs, such as decreased breath, pain, etc. Sometimes there are no signs. So I have to get an EKG on Tuesday to make sure my heart is starting out healthy. Then I have to have one every 3 months to make sure my heart remains healthy. Even more reason to get on the spin bike and stay active!
After so many rounds, once the cancer is back in or close to in remission, my doc said there's a possibility of keeping me on just the Herceptin to prevent the cancer from growing any further. I'd get just the Herceptin every 3 weeks and go about my day, using the Herceptin sort of as maintenance.
So I look at this as another step in the process. Another way to fight this horrid disease and keep myself going until they find a cure or a drug that turns cancer in to a chronic disease. That's the plan.
And, ladies and gentleman, while the docs won't officially put it in my file, they got as close as they could to naming this stupid disease ravaging my body. Know what that means? It means...
And, as I said to my sister, it ain't blush or bashful, but it's a color. (go ahead, name that movie)
Finally, just in case you didn't know, November is stomach cancer awareness month. It's also pancreatic cancer and lung cancer awareness month. Be aware. Go to the doctor and be preventative. Quit smoking. Eat right and exercise. And be happy. And yes, all those things can coexist.
Ok, the ativan is wearing off and I'm getting tired and starting to get a headache. Big, big day. I gots to go.
Happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble gobble, yo!
xo,
Lisa
After my last biopsy, the pathologists decided to test the tumor for HER2 protein. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, I'll Wikirelay it for you:
HER2 "is a protein that in humans is encoded by the ERBB2 gene. HER2 is a member of the epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR/ErbB) family. Amplification or over-expression of this gene has been shown to play an important role in the development and progression of certain aggressive types of breast cancer. ... Over-expression is also known to occur in ovarian, stomach, and aggressive forms of uterine cancer, such as uterine serous endometrial carcinoma."
Confused? Uh, yeah. So this is all you really need to know. HER2 is positive in only about 20-30% of stomach cancers, which is what I've been treated for. Since I've now shown up HER-2 positive, we've pretty much deduced I have stomach (also known as gastric) cancer. So there's that. Also, HER-2 positive cancers react very well to a type of treatment called Herceptin. See, HER2 is in normal cells in which their receptors tell cells to grow and divide. Too many HER2 receptors, as is the case in these cancers, send more signals, causing cancer cells to grow too quickly. Herceptin has been shown to stop the HER2 receptors from signaling the cells to grow. Basically it's a blocker. It increases the median overall survivor rate of advanced gastric cancer by 23%. In the cancer world, that's pretty big.
So the good thing about Herceptin is that it has very few serious side effects. Mostly tummy troubles and fatigue. But you know what it doesn't cause? HAIR LOSS! I get to keep my hair! Unless the carboplatin decides to cause the fall out, which it typically doesn't do, but I'm not about to jinx myself. So that $700 human hair wig I bought last month? It'll stay in my closet for now. There may come a point where I'll need it, but hopefully not. And I don't mind it being there at all.
The BAD thing about Herceptin is that it can cause, how shall I say... heart failure. Sometimes there are signs, such as decreased breath, pain, etc. Sometimes there are no signs. So I have to get an EKG on Tuesday to make sure my heart is starting out healthy. Then I have to have one every 3 months to make sure my heart remains healthy. Even more reason to get on the spin bike and stay active!
After so many rounds, once the cancer is back in or close to in remission, my doc said there's a possibility of keeping me on just the Herceptin to prevent the cancer from growing any further. I'd get just the Herceptin every 3 weeks and go about my day, using the Herceptin sort of as maintenance.
So I look at this as another step in the process. Another way to fight this horrid disease and keep myself going until they find a cure or a drug that turns cancer in to a chronic disease. That's the plan.
And, ladies and gentleman, while the docs won't officially put it in my file, they got as close as they could to naming this stupid disease ravaging my body. Know what that means? It means...
I have a color!!!
And, as I said to my sister, it ain't blush or bashful, but it's a color. (go ahead, name that movie)
Finally, just in case you didn't know, November is stomach cancer awareness month. It's also pancreatic cancer and lung cancer awareness month. Be aware. Go to the doctor and be preventative. Quit smoking. Eat right and exercise. And be happy. And yes, all those things can coexist.
Ok, the ativan is wearing off and I'm getting tired and starting to get a headache. Big, big day. I gots to go.
Happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble gobble, yo!
xo,
Lisa
Friday, October 25, 2013
Round 2, Treatment 1/3
Ok, so generally speaking this treatment was a breeze, so it only gets counted as 1/3rd of a treatment. I got hooked up to the 5FU on Thursday, 11/17, and was unhooked Monday morning, 11/21, and went right into work. I even went to a family function that Sunday with my pump safely tucked into a very attractive fanny pack. It's all the fashion rage right now. I had some minor nausea throughout the week, but nothing a little Zofran couldn't handle. Mostly I was tired. After the 5 days on the pump, I found that my body was just worn down (though not to the extent it was at the end of the last treatment round). I went to bed most nights around 8:30, and I think one night I went up and fell asleep at 6:30. Next time should be the real challenge. We'll see how tough I really am!
So today is sort of a tough day for me. I have to get over the mental challenge of working with a disability. And that's what cancer is to me, a disability. Some days I'm tired, or nauseous, or whatever, but with some concessions, I can work my 40 hour a week job and, in all honesty, it will be good for me to keep my mind busy. But my challenge comes in thinking people are treating me different because I am in treatment. I don't want to seem fragile, or be taken easy on, or whatever. But I also don't want to be extra challenged just to see if I can handle it. And the stress of those ideas swirling around in my head isn't good for me at all, but I can't get rid of them, which adds more stress. Maybe I should go see someone about that thing.
I'm also having a lot of pain in my left side under my rib cage. It started back in July and I thought I had bruised my ribs, but it's lasted for a while. In speaking to doctors and being my own best advocate for knowledge, I've figured out that my lymphedema is causing the problem. Here's why - the lymphatic system, unlike the circulatory system, has no pump. When lymph nodes stop working at their best for any reason, you run the risk of lymph fluid building up in that part of your body. My lymphedema started because I had a node taken out from my right groin, and because rest of the nodes left in my groin had cancer in them, thus not working at their best. The result is a big, fat leg. So now, I have cancer in my right groin, causing that part of my lymph system to slow down, and the result is actually built up fluid in my abdominal cavity. In turn, that fluid has pushed a bit into my left lung (common). On it's own, the amount of fluid in that lung would not cause symptoms, but you add my swollen abdomen and my poor performing lymphatic system, and it's just ripe for overload. The pain comes when that part of my body gets extra swollen, like after I've eaten a big meal, or if I've been laying on that side for too long, thus allowing any fluid to drain down there, putting extra pressure on that lung. Painful. So I've found the remedy is exercise. The only way to get the lymphatic system moving is to move. When the pain gets bad after I've eaten a big meal, I walk up and down the stairs a few times. Within 10 minutes, I'm feeling better. Night time is more difficult. I can't seem to find a great position to sit or lie down, so I toss and turn a lot. Meds don't help too much and I don't really want to become dependent on them. And really, with GI cancer, do I really want to add NSAIDs or ibuprofen in my system in mass quantities? Um, no. So I ordered a spinning bike that will come in next week and the goal is to do quick, 15 minute bursts of exercise twice a day. Hopefully that will keep things pumping!
Finally, we've had two losses in the cancer world that hit close to home for me. Both are women, both are mothers. Both taken way too soon. Each time someone passes, more fear is put into me. Sean is a great dad and I have the most amount of faith in him as a dad, but a child needs her mother. I fight for Katherine. She is who I have always fought for. These two losses, however, prove that sometimes a mother's fight is just not strong enough for cancer. And that's too scary to think too much about. These reminders come in now and then, though, and you can't help but reflect.
So in the spirit of ending this terrible disease, I am going to share some information here that was passed along to me. I know it is the month of pink. God knows we see it everywhere. But remember there are a whole bunch of cancers out there that are colored in various shades of the rainbow. Educate yourselves, protect yourselves, love yourselves. You are not here forever, but try to be here for a while.
xo,
Lisa
Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance - mesothelioma is a completely preventable cancer (caused only by asbestos exposure), so knowing more about the disease and it's risk factors truly does make a difference.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society - Amazing work is being done for blood and lymphatic cancers, but we need speed things up. Time is essential.
Finally, The American Cancer Society, LiveStrong, and Stand Up 2 Cancer, all do amazing work in raising awareness, helping survivors and caregivers, and funding valuable research to help end this awful disease. Please take some time to visit each and learn more about them.
So today is sort of a tough day for me. I have to get over the mental challenge of working with a disability. And that's what cancer is to me, a disability. Some days I'm tired, or nauseous, or whatever, but with some concessions, I can work my 40 hour a week job and, in all honesty, it will be good for me to keep my mind busy. But my challenge comes in thinking people are treating me different because I am in treatment. I don't want to seem fragile, or be taken easy on, or whatever. But I also don't want to be extra challenged just to see if I can handle it. And the stress of those ideas swirling around in my head isn't good for me at all, but I can't get rid of them, which adds more stress. Maybe I should go see someone about that thing.
I'm also having a lot of pain in my left side under my rib cage. It started back in July and I thought I had bruised my ribs, but it's lasted for a while. In speaking to doctors and being my own best advocate for knowledge, I've figured out that my lymphedema is causing the problem. Here's why - the lymphatic system, unlike the circulatory system, has no pump. When lymph nodes stop working at their best for any reason, you run the risk of lymph fluid building up in that part of your body. My lymphedema started because I had a node taken out from my right groin, and because rest of the nodes left in my groin had cancer in them, thus not working at their best. The result is a big, fat leg. So now, I have cancer in my right groin, causing that part of my lymph system to slow down, and the result is actually built up fluid in my abdominal cavity. In turn, that fluid has pushed a bit into my left lung (common). On it's own, the amount of fluid in that lung would not cause symptoms, but you add my swollen abdomen and my poor performing lymphatic system, and it's just ripe for overload. The pain comes when that part of my body gets extra swollen, like after I've eaten a big meal, or if I've been laying on that side for too long, thus allowing any fluid to drain down there, putting extra pressure on that lung. Painful. So I've found the remedy is exercise. The only way to get the lymphatic system moving is to move. When the pain gets bad after I've eaten a big meal, I walk up and down the stairs a few times. Within 10 minutes, I'm feeling better. Night time is more difficult. I can't seem to find a great position to sit or lie down, so I toss and turn a lot. Meds don't help too much and I don't really want to become dependent on them. And really, with GI cancer, do I really want to add NSAIDs or ibuprofen in my system in mass quantities? Um, no. So I ordered a spinning bike that will come in next week and the goal is to do quick, 15 minute bursts of exercise twice a day. Hopefully that will keep things pumping!
Finally, we've had two losses in the cancer world that hit close to home for me. Both are women, both are mothers. Both taken way too soon. Each time someone passes, more fear is put into me. Sean is a great dad and I have the most amount of faith in him as a dad, but a child needs her mother. I fight for Katherine. She is who I have always fought for. These two losses, however, prove that sometimes a mother's fight is just not strong enough for cancer. And that's too scary to think too much about. These reminders come in now and then, though, and you can't help but reflect.
So in the spirit of ending this terrible disease, I am going to share some information here that was passed along to me. I know it is the month of pink. God knows we see it everywhere. But remember there are a whole bunch of cancers out there that are colored in various shades of the rainbow. Educate yourselves, protect yourselves, love yourselves. You are not here forever, but try to be here for a while.
xo,
Lisa
Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance - mesothelioma is a completely preventable cancer (caused only by asbestos exposure), so knowing more about the disease and it's risk factors truly does make a difference.
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society - Amazing work is being done for blood and lymphatic cancers, but we need speed things up. Time is essential.
Finally, The American Cancer Society, LiveStrong, and Stand Up 2 Cancer, all do amazing work in raising awareness, helping survivors and caregivers, and funding valuable research to help end this awful disease. Please take some time to visit each and learn more about them.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Bringing Back the Blog
Well, it happened sooner than I would have liked, but the blog is back. My last scan showed an enlarged lymph node in my left groin (opposite side from where it was originally found), and a needle biopsy done this past week showed it to be positive for cancer. Still no idea what KIND of cancer, but cancer none-the-less. So treatment begins on Thursday.
Now I had really hoped to make it clear through this year so that I could go to Disney and enjoy the holidays without having to work around a chemo schedule, but seems that dream was in the pipes. What my doctor did agree to, however, is modify my first treatment to only include the 5 (again, aptly named) FU. The hope is, while we know the 5FU will probably not kill the cancer that exists, it will keep it from growing further, thus putting me into a sort of holding period until I get back from Disney in November. I will start full blown treatment November 22nd.
I have told my boss and those needed within my new company of the news, and they have graciously agreed to work with me so that I can continue to work while getting treatment. Now that I know what I'm up against, I fully believe I can continue to do my job effectively, with some concessions. I will need to work from home the week I have the pump in me (although I'm planning on a different schedule from last time, so I will have two days of the weekend in the mix, making it so I only have to work 3 days from home during the pump cycle). I know it will not be easy, but I also know I don't want to spend all my days at home. I want to live my life, even if that means living through treatment.
As my doctor said, we knew this was coming. We know the statistics. And I had nearly 9 months of remission, and 7 months of being treatment free. We know what's possible, and now all I have to do is kick it down again, and again, and again, until they either find a cure, or find another drug that will allow me to live with this horrid, wretched, disease until I'm very, very old. That's where my mind is. That's how I choose to look at things. I hope you can as well, because the more normal my life can be through times of treatment, the more cancer is going to realize it doesn't stand a chance.
xo,
Lisa
Now I had really hoped to make it clear through this year so that I could go to Disney and enjoy the holidays without having to work around a chemo schedule, but seems that dream was in the pipes. What my doctor did agree to, however, is modify my first treatment to only include the 5 (again, aptly named) FU. The hope is, while we know the 5FU will probably not kill the cancer that exists, it will keep it from growing further, thus putting me into a sort of holding period until I get back from Disney in November. I will start full blown treatment November 22nd.
I have told my boss and those needed within my new company of the news, and they have graciously agreed to work with me so that I can continue to work while getting treatment. Now that I know what I'm up against, I fully believe I can continue to do my job effectively, with some concessions. I will need to work from home the week I have the pump in me (although I'm planning on a different schedule from last time, so I will have two days of the weekend in the mix, making it so I only have to work 3 days from home during the pump cycle). I know it will not be easy, but I also know I don't want to spend all my days at home. I want to live my life, even if that means living through treatment.
As my doctor said, we knew this was coming. We know the statistics. And I had nearly 9 months of remission, and 7 months of being treatment free. We know what's possible, and now all I have to do is kick it down again, and again, and again, until they either find a cure, or find another drug that will allow me to live with this horrid, wretched, disease until I'm very, very old. That's where my mind is. That's how I choose to look at things. I hope you can as well, because the more normal my life can be through times of treatment, the more cancer is going to realize it doesn't stand a chance.
xo,
Lisa
Friday, July 12, 2013
Back to life...
Well, my cancerversary has passed and we are approaching one year since my first chemo treatment. Not as significant a date to remember, even though I'll never forget it. However, in the time between my cancerversary and my chemoversary, significant changes are taking place. First, I got a job. Funny how things happen. I sent out one resume to test the waters, got a call for a phone interview, then in-person interview, then second interview, then an offer. One resume. My doc tells me I'm breaking all the rules. Bucking the system. Screw statistics! Let's hope that trend lasts.
So I start my job on July 22nd. I'm extraordinarily nervous, as you can imagine. I know my brain doesn't work as well as it used to, although it's getting there. My body certainly isn't the same and I haven't worked a full day since last July. But more than that, I'm nervous because my benefits will change. I will lose my disability, lose my life insurance, lose my countdown to medicare (although I don't care much about that, but probably should). My benefits will start 60 days after the first day of the month after I start (meaning 2 months after August 1, or October 1). My next CT was scheduled for September 6. Know what I did? I rescheduled. I had another scan yesterday and whaddayaknow??? No measurable disease!! Woohoo! So my next scan is now scheduled for October 4th. Phew! Yes, I will feel bad if that scan comes back showing disease, causing me to go back into treatment, but I don't plan on that happening. Besides, I know how I do on treatment now, and if they'll work with me, I'll continue working while on treatment for as long as I can. And no, my new company doesn't know I have cancer. Nor will they unless absolutely necessary.
Finally, we're moving. The moving van comes on Thursday to take everything over, although we get the place on Monday, so we'll start moving small boxes and breakables then. I'm very excited to be moving, actually. Katherine will be able to stay in Malvern School for after school care, and Sean and I will be closer to work. I'll be 15 minutes away! Well, at least until my company moves in December to its new building. Then I'll be 20 minutes away. :)
This has been a very stressful month for me and I've held up fairly well, I think. I'm still plant heavy in my diet, although I've had more meat this past week than I'd like to. I've decided to go completely vegan in August and see how I do. Gluten free and vegan is not easy, let me tell you! But I'm committed. With every good scan, I become more and more determined not to let this beast back into my life. So with that...
I'm closing down this blog for now and starting a new one focusing on health and happiness. You can keep up with my doings here if you'd like. I hope to see you all over there!
And thank you all, for everything.
xo,
Lisa
So I start my job on July 22nd. I'm extraordinarily nervous, as you can imagine. I know my brain doesn't work as well as it used to, although it's getting there. My body certainly isn't the same and I haven't worked a full day since last July. But more than that, I'm nervous because my benefits will change. I will lose my disability, lose my life insurance, lose my countdown to medicare (although I don't care much about that, but probably should). My benefits will start 60 days after the first day of the month after I start (meaning 2 months after August 1, or October 1). My next CT was scheduled for September 6. Know what I did? I rescheduled. I had another scan yesterday and whaddayaknow??? No measurable disease!! Woohoo! So my next scan is now scheduled for October 4th. Phew! Yes, I will feel bad if that scan comes back showing disease, causing me to go back into treatment, but I don't plan on that happening. Besides, I know how I do on treatment now, and if they'll work with me, I'll continue working while on treatment for as long as I can. And no, my new company doesn't know I have cancer. Nor will they unless absolutely necessary.
Finally, we're moving. The moving van comes on Thursday to take everything over, although we get the place on Monday, so we'll start moving small boxes and breakables then. I'm very excited to be moving, actually. Katherine will be able to stay in Malvern School for after school care, and Sean and I will be closer to work. I'll be 15 minutes away! Well, at least until my company moves in December to its new building. Then I'll be 20 minutes away. :)
This has been a very stressful month for me and I've held up fairly well, I think. I'm still plant heavy in my diet, although I've had more meat this past week than I'd like to. I've decided to go completely vegan in August and see how I do. Gluten free and vegan is not easy, let me tell you! But I'm committed. With every good scan, I become more and more determined not to let this beast back into my life. So with that...
I'm closing down this blog for now and starting a new one focusing on health and happiness. You can keep up with my doings here if you'd like. I hope to see you all over there!
And thank you all, for everything.
xo,
Lisa
Friday, June 14, 2013
One Year Cancerversary
Next week marks the one year date from the call that changed my life. My cancerversary. Little did I know that day would reveal the actual diagnosis. Cancer of an Unknown Primary. I didn't know anything about it before I was diagnosed. I had never heard of it. I know a lot about it now, but still have so many questions. Questions that cannot be answered at this point in time. As my doc said last year, we don't want to know what kind of cancer it is because that means it has spread. Last year I knew my chances were slim, but I also knew that if I could get through certain milestones, my chances would improve. Responding to treatment was one - that means it's probably not pancreatic cancer. Consistently improving with treatment - probably not lung cancer. Remission - confirms what I've known about myself all along. I'm a fighter. I have faith in that.
I could not have gotten through the past year without the unbelievable support of my family and my friends. With them, my spirits have been lifted, my mind has been occupied, my cares have been wiped away. They have assisted me when I've needed it; distracted me when it all became so overwhelming; hugged me when I cried; drank with me when I needed to forget. I am surrounded by so much love and strength, and for that I will forever be grateful.
I don't know how I will handle next week, but I do know that next weekend is a jam-packed weekend for the Delaney family. It is a weekend that includes four fabulous friends that I can never, ever repay for the strength, love, laughter, and support they have given me this past year. Four fabulous friends, one amazing family, and the innocence of children at two birthday parties for three 5 year olds.
There is no better way to spend your one year cancerversary.
xo,
Lisa
I could not have gotten through the past year without the unbelievable support of my family and my friends. With them, my spirits have been lifted, my mind has been occupied, my cares have been wiped away. They have assisted me when I've needed it; distracted me when it all became so overwhelming; hugged me when I cried; drank with me when I needed to forget. I am surrounded by so much love and strength, and for that I will forever be grateful.
I don't know how I will handle next week, but I do know that next weekend is a jam-packed weekend for the Delaney family. It is a weekend that includes four fabulous friends that I can never, ever repay for the strength, love, laughter, and support they have given me this past year. Four fabulous friends, one amazing family, and the innocence of children at two birthday parties for three 5 year olds.
There is no better way to spend your one year cancerversary.
xo,
Lisa
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life moves on
So after my second "clear" scan (I say "clear" because we all know metastatic cancer doesn't really ever go away) just before Memorial Day, I went away for the holiday weekend and have been crazy getting the house ready for rent. We've rented the house to a nice couple who will be moving in at the end of July, so we now need to find a place of our own. We've got some prospects. We'll be moving closer to where Katherine is in day care now so that when she enters kindergarten in the Fall, she'll have somewhere familiar to go for after school care. Some may question this move, but it also allows Sean to be closer to his home office (although now he's in Philly a few days a week, so the best laid plans and all). Plus, no 4 year old girl should have to have every aspect of her life constantly shuffled around. I'll be looking for a job soon, she's starting kindergarten, I didn't want her to start two new schools at once. And we're looking for a house with a finished basement, so she'll have her own place for her toys to play, not scattered all over the house like they are now.
So as I said, I'll probably have to start looking for a job soon. Seriously looking. Disability has been checking up on me regularly, and after two "clear" scans, I highly doubt they'll let me stay on any longer. If I still had my job, I would've gone back to that in March. But looking for a new job means I'll be put on unemployment, which is another paycut. In addition, I will lose my existing disability benefits once I find a new job. Since most companies have a waiting period for when benefits kick in, and I'd have to be on short term disability and FMLA first (which requires you to have worked with the company for a year), well, you can do the math. Needless to say I'm just a smidge nervous. I have all the high hopes in the world that I'll keep this lucky streak going, but I also have to be realistic, so I have to pick my new job wisely. I'd prefer to be able to work from home so I can see Katherine off in the mornings and get her off the bus in the afternoons. Plus, it still boggles my mind that anyone with stage 4 cancer can be kicked off of disability, regardless of current state.
I've started to change my diet to be higher in plant-based foods, taking advantage of nature's pharmacy. I've been making fresh juices in the mornings and the occasional smoothie. I've been preparing more veggie-based meals and cutting back on meat to 2-3 times a week. Not 2-3 days a week. 2-3 times. You may not think you eat a lot of meat, but most carnivores eat meat twice a day. That's 14 times a week. It may be hidden in sauces or casseroles or the lunchmeat in your sandwich, but it's there. Meat has been proven to increase inflammation in your body, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. It's the reason I've cut out most dairy as well. Now, I'm not an animal rights person. I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but that's not why I'm doing this. My dietary change is purely health based. So I'll have meat now and then and I'll have dairy now and then. But I'm trying to limit it as much as possible. I've just started my culinary adventure, so I decided I'm going to take you all along for the ride. I'm going to try to post every week or two with how things are going and maybe share a new recipe or exercise I've done. I'll keep you all up to date on how I feel and what's going on as much as possible. If you're interested, great! Maybe you can share some recipes or tips you have. I'd love to hear them!
While I'm eating more plant-based foods, I have not cut out eggs or fish at all. I eat an egg about 3 times a week and fish - well I think I really need to up my intake on that. Lately my breakfast has been a fried egg on toast smothered with avocado. I didn't know if I'd like it when I tried it, but I love the creaminess of the avocado combined with the gooey egg yolk. And since I eat gluten free, toast tends to get really dry and the avocado saves it. This morning I skipped the egg and just had avocado on toast. Yum. Avocado is a super food. Nature's little vacuum cleaner, they attract carcinogens and flush them out of the body. They are also loaded with good monounsaturated fats and Vitamin E. I've heard if you eat a burger with avocado, the avocado will attract some of the bad fats in the burger and flush them through, causing less of it to get into your system.
As for the exercise, you may have heard I'm participating in the Livestrong Challenge in August. Right now I'm doing the Couch to 5K plan to get myself ready for that. Yesterday I ran along the Perkiomen Trail and really enjoyed it. I'm still mostly walking, but I'm slowly moving toward mostly running. I have no treadmill, so the heat last week kept me inside. With the lymphedema, I have to take exercise slow so as not to increase swelling rather than reduce it. On Friday I'm starting yoga at a local studio with a gift card Sean got me for Christmas.
So while I don't know that I'll ever completely be a vegan-granola-crunchy-type person, I am determined to do everything in my power to allow my body to get and remain healthy. I certainly hope we can share experiences along the way!
xo,
Lisa
Livestrong helps people navigate through life with cancer every day. Donate to (or join!) my Livestrong Challenge team, the Rainbow Warriors, here!
So as I said, I'll probably have to start looking for a job soon. Seriously looking. Disability has been checking up on me regularly, and after two "clear" scans, I highly doubt they'll let me stay on any longer. If I still had my job, I would've gone back to that in March. But looking for a new job means I'll be put on unemployment, which is another paycut. In addition, I will lose my existing disability benefits once I find a new job. Since most companies have a waiting period for when benefits kick in, and I'd have to be on short term disability and FMLA first (which requires you to have worked with the company for a year), well, you can do the math. Needless to say I'm just a smidge nervous. I have all the high hopes in the world that I'll keep this lucky streak going, but I also have to be realistic, so I have to pick my new job wisely. I'd prefer to be able to work from home so I can see Katherine off in the mornings and get her off the bus in the afternoons. Plus, it still boggles my mind that anyone with stage 4 cancer can be kicked off of disability, regardless of current state.
I've started to change my diet to be higher in plant-based foods, taking advantage of nature's pharmacy. I've been making fresh juices in the mornings and the occasional smoothie. I've been preparing more veggie-based meals and cutting back on meat to 2-3 times a week. Not 2-3 days a week. 2-3 times. You may not think you eat a lot of meat, but most carnivores eat meat twice a day. That's 14 times a week. It may be hidden in sauces or casseroles or the lunchmeat in your sandwich, but it's there. Meat has been proven to increase inflammation in your body, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. It's the reason I've cut out most dairy as well. Now, I'm not an animal rights person. I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but that's not why I'm doing this. My dietary change is purely health based. So I'll have meat now and then and I'll have dairy now and then. But I'm trying to limit it as much as possible. I've just started my culinary adventure, so I decided I'm going to take you all along for the ride. I'm going to try to post every week or two with how things are going and maybe share a new recipe or exercise I've done. I'll keep you all up to date on how I feel and what's going on as much as possible. If you're interested, great! Maybe you can share some recipes or tips you have. I'd love to hear them!
While I'm eating more plant-based foods, I have not cut out eggs or fish at all. I eat an egg about 3 times a week and fish - well I think I really need to up my intake on that. Lately my breakfast has been a fried egg on toast smothered with avocado. I didn't know if I'd like it when I tried it, but I love the creaminess of the avocado combined with the gooey egg yolk. And since I eat gluten free, toast tends to get really dry and the avocado saves it. This morning I skipped the egg and just had avocado on toast. Yum. Avocado is a super food. Nature's little vacuum cleaner, they attract carcinogens and flush them out of the body. They are also loaded with good monounsaturated fats and Vitamin E. I've heard if you eat a burger with avocado, the avocado will attract some of the bad fats in the burger and flush them through, causing less of it to get into your system.
As for the exercise, you may have heard I'm participating in the Livestrong Challenge in August. Right now I'm doing the Couch to 5K plan to get myself ready for that. Yesterday I ran along the Perkiomen Trail and really enjoyed it. I'm still mostly walking, but I'm slowly moving toward mostly running. I have no treadmill, so the heat last week kept me inside. With the lymphedema, I have to take exercise slow so as not to increase swelling rather than reduce it. On Friday I'm starting yoga at a local studio with a gift card Sean got me for Christmas.
So while I don't know that I'll ever completely be a vegan-granola-crunchy-type person, I am determined to do everything in my power to allow my body to get and remain healthy. I certainly hope we can share experiences along the way!
xo,
Lisa
Livestrong helps people navigate through life with cancer every day. Donate to (or join!) my Livestrong Challenge team, the Rainbow Warriors, here!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A Post-chemo life
I know it has been a while since I've posted and I apologize to those who follow my blog but are not on FB. My CT on March 8 found "no measurable disease." This is amazing news and news I did not expect after 9 treatments! I am finally on my break from treatment, which is both wonderful and terrifying. Wonderful because I am starting to feel "normal" again. Terrifying because, well, with metastatic cancer, you can probably guess why. I have my next scan on June 7. That will be a big day.
As a reward, we went to Disney World in March for 5 days. This trip was supposed to be a bridge between chemo and work but, well, I have no job to go back to anymore. But it was a much needed vacation nonetheless for all of us. I have others to thank for that trip (you know who you are) and am very grateful to have had such amazing support in so many ways.
I'm probably going to be even less active over these next few months, but I have active Facebook and somewhat active Twitter accounts, so you can always catch up there. If there is anything new I promise to update.
Happy spring!!
xo,
Lisa
As a reward, we went to Disney World in March for 5 days. This trip was supposed to be a bridge between chemo and work but, well, I have no job to go back to anymore. But it was a much needed vacation nonetheless for all of us. I have others to thank for that trip (you know who you are) and am very grateful to have had such amazing support in so many ways.
I'm probably going to be even less active over these next few months, but I have active Facebook and somewhat active Twitter accounts, so you can always catch up there. If there is anything new I promise to update.
Happy spring!!
xo,
Lisa
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The long wait
I am in week two of my second treatment cycle of this round. The inside of my mouth has taken on the texture of one that has been burnt severely by a ham and cheese Hot Pocket (sing it - you know you want to). The Neulasta shot did extra damage this time around, with major bone pain like I haven't had before, as well as the usual back spasms, but I take that as a sign that massive amounts of white blood cells are being produced to get me through the remainder of winter. My stomach was not the best it has been (or the worst), but that's getting better. Fatigue usually rears it's ugly head at this point. Physical fatigue. That will pass as well. The second treatment of the round is always the worst, both emotionally and physically, and this 8th treatment cycle is proving no different. I'm finding it hard to do much of anything. Even typing this post, I'm taking frequent breaks to collect myself and my thoughts.
My hair fell out. Again. It seems to have stopped, but all of that dark hair once coming in is now gone, replaced by coarse, pointy, white hair. Eh, it's hair. I'll take it. I don't count on having any for vacation in March, though, which is disappointing. I really, really hate wearing wigs, and it doesn't matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are bald, or with a hat, or with a scarf - I won't do it. I'll go to the grocery store with just a hat, but I'm not walking around Disney World with one if I have no hair under there. I will feel self-conscious and it will dampen the joy. I'm hoping to have enough hair on the sides and back to wear a military style ball cap during the day and just wear the wig at night. I don't like eating in hats, though, and it bothers me that I'll have a hat on for at least 2 table service meals. I know, it's trivial in it all, but at this stage, I'm making a big deal out of the trivial.
On a positive note, my lymphedema therapy is going well. I was measured today for a custom compression stocking and I'm glad for that. My therapist thinks my "resilience" (that's therapist talk for "It won't freaking go down any more!!!") is due to the continued chemo. Turns out one of the drugs I'm on causes lymphedema. The things you learn. Anyway, she's hoping once I'm done treatment, my body will start to heal and the leg will go down on it's own. I'm hoping with her. In the meantime, I need a stocking and not 6 bulky compression bandages (like Ace bandages) to wear for my trip. I can't fit in pants other than sweats, and I will not be walking around Disney World in sweats. Do you hear me lymphedema??? I will win this war on you!!!
Ok, I'm calm now. It's breakfast night at the Delaney residence and the hubs and the tot will be home soon, so I'll wrap this up. One more treatment starting February 18 and then a CT on March 8 and we'll go from there. Until then, please forgive me if I'm not as communicative as normal. I'm tired. Spring will renew. I'm sure of it.
My hair fell out. Again. It seems to have stopped, but all of that dark hair once coming in is now gone, replaced by coarse, pointy, white hair. Eh, it's hair. I'll take it. I don't count on having any for vacation in March, though, which is disappointing. I really, really hate wearing wigs, and it doesn't matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are bald, or with a hat, or with a scarf - I won't do it. I'll go to the grocery store with just a hat, but I'm not walking around Disney World with one if I have no hair under there. I will feel self-conscious and it will dampen the joy. I'm hoping to have enough hair on the sides and back to wear a military style ball cap during the day and just wear the wig at night. I don't like eating in hats, though, and it bothers me that I'll have a hat on for at least 2 table service meals. I know, it's trivial in it all, but at this stage, I'm making a big deal out of the trivial.
On a positive note, my lymphedema therapy is going well. I was measured today for a custom compression stocking and I'm glad for that. My therapist thinks my "resilience" (that's therapist talk for "It won't freaking go down any more!!!") is due to the continued chemo. Turns out one of the drugs I'm on causes lymphedema. The things you learn. Anyway, she's hoping once I'm done treatment, my body will start to heal and the leg will go down on it's own. I'm hoping with her. In the meantime, I need a stocking and not 6 bulky compression bandages (like Ace bandages) to wear for my trip. I can't fit in pants other than sweats, and I will not be walking around Disney World in sweats. Do you hear me lymphedema??? I will win this war on you!!!
Ok, I'm calm now. It's breakfast night at the Delaney residence and the hubs and the tot will be home soon, so I'll wrap this up. One more treatment starting February 18 and then a CT on March 8 and we'll go from there. Until then, please forgive me if I'm not as communicative as normal. I'm tired. Spring will renew. I'm sure of it.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Exhaustion comes by surprise
Some of you may have heard of my recent job termination. Yeah. I received an overnight letter in the mail last Tuesday - woke up to the FedEx guy ringing my doorbell to deliver it - which explained to me that while my employer has complied legally with all aspects of disability, and while I had just the week prior given a return date of March 20th, my position could not be held for 2 months longer and I was being let go. I would get information in the mail pertaining to Cobra benefits. The next day an empty box came with instructions to return my computer equipment. Funny, though, everything except my laptop was still at my desk in the office. So I boxed up my laptop and sent it off with a note saying so. Never got a chance to get anything off of my hard drive that was personal or samples of my work I could use to find new employment. The hard drive shut itself down the day I was termed and that was that. I called the Employee Relations Director and was assured my disability would continue "until you retire," and that I would be eligible for unemployment (which I'm not, of course, until I am able to return to work, at which point I lose disability). When I mentioned the letter came as a bit of a shock, the response was, "yeah." That was it. Ok then, thanks. You get the up of being told the cancer is in remission and after 3 more treatments we're taking a break, and in the next breath you have no job to go back to.
It's for the best, really. I fully expected to be let go from this job. It's been the trend since the merger last year. The people in my department from my side of the merger are slowly but surely disappearing. I just thought it would happen AFTER I got back. Silly for not realizing sooner it would be easier to get rid of me while I was on disability. For those who think disability protects your job, it does not. Short term disability does. FMLA does. Long term disability ensures you will get a percentage of your pay check for as long as you are disable, and once you are on LTD for 5 months, Social Security picks up most of that tab as well.
Bitter? No. A bit jaded, maybe. I am forever thinking people will ultimately do what is right. That my company really was holding my job for me and cheering on my recovery. Yet again I am reminded that nothing is certain, that there are bad people and bad jobs and bad companies, that the bottom line dictates everything, and to treat those you love with respect and kindness, because at the end of the day, they are the only people who matter.
And so exhaustion sets in. It takes me by surprise on occasion, the mental exhaustion of fighting this battle. People remind me that fighting the cancer is the most important thing. Not to worry about my (former) job or the money or any other issues in the world. What I need to focus on is getting better. Then I can worry about everything else. It's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Now my focus is on what I do next. I had planned on going back to work in March, but without a job to go back to, I am at a loss for what to do. Do I start looking for another job at that point before I even know how I will react while taking a break from treatment? Do I stay on disability through the first three months of the break and see how I do and THEN start looking for a job? If I go back to work right away and the cancer comes back, I'll have to start treatment again. The same treatment. Which means I cannot work. Most jobs require you to be there for a year before being eligible for LTD. If I go back to work without really knowing if I'm truly in remission, I could be setting myself up for a financial nightmare. Not to mention potentially screwing my future employer in the process. I am leaning toward staying on LTD for the length of the break from the last treatment to the first scan on break, which will probably be about May or June. If I'm still good, still in remission, then I start job hunting, lose my disability, go on unemployment (yay, another pay cut!!), and try to re-enter the real world. Ultimately, it will depend on my doctor and what she thinks is best. Right now I'm speculating. Things could change in March at my next CT. But when you are alone with your thoughts....
Top all that off with the fact that I have a huge leg due to lymphedema, and it gets all that more exhausting. Every morning I take a shower and then spend 20 minutes bandaging my entire right leg from toe to hip in compression bandages. Every night at about 2AM (I know that's contradictory - shut up), I rip the bandages off because I cannot stand them any more and cannot get any sleep. Three times a week I go to therapy for manual lymph drainage massage, rebandaging and some bike time. I wear sweat pants every day because nothing else fits. I've stretched out almost every right sock of every pair of white socks I own trying to fit them over the bandages. My right sneaker looks twice the width of my left when I put them on. My therapist today, after calming my minor breakdown (I told you - exhaustion takes you by surprise), let me know that the chemo is slowing down the healing of my lymphatic system, that my case of lymphedema isn't that bad, that it will get better - it may even heal completely - but that I need to give it time. It could take a year or two or more, but I will get there. I told her I'd just like to be able to wear a normal pair of pants. Just get me into a compression stocking and I'll be happy for now. I'd like to be able to walk around in public without someone being able to look at me and know something is wrong. Not that I'm sick, mind you, but that something is wrong. Can't get away from that with your leg wrapped three inches deep in bandages. Ok, maybe not three inches. Maybe two.
And I watched the Globes last night, and then didn't sleep well on top of it, so I'm physically exhausted as well. (Damn you Jennifer Garner for stealing my should-have-been husband and then being a seemingly nice person and good mom so I can't even hate you for it!)
I need to go take a nap. Or just lay on the couch and watch the Chew. Don't judge.
xo,
Lisa
It's for the best, really. I fully expected to be let go from this job. It's been the trend since the merger last year. The people in my department from my side of the merger are slowly but surely disappearing. I just thought it would happen AFTER I got back. Silly for not realizing sooner it would be easier to get rid of me while I was on disability. For those who think disability protects your job, it does not. Short term disability does. FMLA does. Long term disability ensures you will get a percentage of your pay check for as long as you are disable, and once you are on LTD for 5 months, Social Security picks up most of that tab as well.
Bitter? No. A bit jaded, maybe. I am forever thinking people will ultimately do what is right. That my company really was holding my job for me and cheering on my recovery. Yet again I am reminded that nothing is certain, that there are bad people and bad jobs and bad companies, that the bottom line dictates everything, and to treat those you love with respect and kindness, because at the end of the day, they are the only people who matter.
And so exhaustion sets in. It takes me by surprise on occasion, the mental exhaustion of fighting this battle. People remind me that fighting the cancer is the most important thing. Not to worry about my (former) job or the money or any other issues in the world. What I need to focus on is getting better. Then I can worry about everything else. It's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Now my focus is on what I do next. I had planned on going back to work in March, but without a job to go back to, I am at a loss for what to do. Do I start looking for another job at that point before I even know how I will react while taking a break from treatment? Do I stay on disability through the first three months of the break and see how I do and THEN start looking for a job? If I go back to work right away and the cancer comes back, I'll have to start treatment again. The same treatment. Which means I cannot work. Most jobs require you to be there for a year before being eligible for LTD. If I go back to work without really knowing if I'm truly in remission, I could be setting myself up for a financial nightmare. Not to mention potentially screwing my future employer in the process. I am leaning toward staying on LTD for the length of the break from the last treatment to the first scan on break, which will probably be about May or June. If I'm still good, still in remission, then I start job hunting, lose my disability, go on unemployment (yay, another pay cut!!), and try to re-enter the real world. Ultimately, it will depend on my doctor and what she thinks is best. Right now I'm speculating. Things could change in March at my next CT. But when you are alone with your thoughts....
Top all that off with the fact that I have a huge leg due to lymphedema, and it gets all that more exhausting. Every morning I take a shower and then spend 20 minutes bandaging my entire right leg from toe to hip in compression bandages. Every night at about 2AM (I know that's contradictory - shut up), I rip the bandages off because I cannot stand them any more and cannot get any sleep. Three times a week I go to therapy for manual lymph drainage massage, rebandaging and some bike time. I wear sweat pants every day because nothing else fits. I've stretched out almost every right sock of every pair of white socks I own trying to fit them over the bandages. My right sneaker looks twice the width of my left when I put them on. My therapist today, after calming my minor breakdown (I told you - exhaustion takes you by surprise), let me know that the chemo is slowing down the healing of my lymphatic system, that my case of lymphedema isn't that bad, that it will get better - it may even heal completely - but that I need to give it time. It could take a year or two or more, but I will get there. I told her I'd just like to be able to wear a normal pair of pants. Just get me into a compression stocking and I'll be happy for now. I'd like to be able to walk around in public without someone being able to look at me and know something is wrong. Not that I'm sick, mind you, but that something is wrong. Can't get away from that with your leg wrapped three inches deep in bandages. Ok, maybe not three inches. Maybe two.
And I watched the Globes last night, and then didn't sleep well on top of it, so I'm physically exhausted as well. (Damn you Jennifer Garner for stealing my should-have-been husband and then being a seemingly nice person and good mom so I can't even hate you for it!)
I need to go take a nap. Or just lay on the couch and watch the Chew. Don't judge.
xo,
Lisa
Friday, January 4, 2013
Last Round - Treatment #1
Oy, that feels so good to type! Last round. It will most certainly make these three treatments more tolerable! My last official treatment before starting a break will be February 18. One month before I turn 43. So to celebrate, in a BIG way, WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
My survivor trip is officially scheduled for November this year, but I didn't want to go back to work immediately after my last treatment. How depressing!! So after much thought, another trip to Disney was scheduled for March. A shorter trip, and with some planning help (namely cost reduction from the Disney trips we normally plan), we were able to swing it. Sean and I also have birthdays in March, so we'll have triple the reason to celebrate. And every day I'm home stuck with nothing to do while hooked up to my 5FU pump, I can now begin my Disney planning. Anyone who is a Disney freak knows you can spend MONTHS planning the trip, nearly every day, and never get bored or tired of it or find any lack of information. It's a good way to spend the days on the couch, that's for sure!
So barring any unforseen circumstances, I return to work on March 20. I have to admit I'm quite nervous about it. The company is a tad volatile at the moment, having gone through a merger last year, and I haven't been there in 8 months, during which time I got a new boss. I also have chemo-brain, and it takes me a bit longer to process things. As an instructional designer, this could complicate things. I know I'll get the hang of it soon enough, and staying intellectually active while being on leave has helped maintain at least my writing abilities, but it still makes me nervous.
The other concern - one that only time will work out - is how I'll FEEL going back to work. No matter what length or strength the battle, there is always a toll that is taken on survivors. The physical toll becomes less apparent to outsiders over time, but the emotional/mental toll never goes away, I'm told. You can change how it affects you, but it doesn't go away. My challenge will be how I adjust with this new mindset, and if I can adjust with what I'm given. Going into this job, I loved instructional design. It's a perfect way to blend my academic and professional experience. Will this experience bring a new perspective to my old job, or will I feel I need a new outlet for expression? Again, only time will tell. As my brain clears up, maybe I'll start writing that book that swirls around in my head. Hmmm.
As we start this new year, I've read a lot of comments on Facebook and other boards from people who felt 2012, well, sucked. I agree. Let's all make a promise to do our best to make 2013 our lucky year! Peace, love, health, and happiness to all!!
xo,
Lisa
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